I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
