Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
