her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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