If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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