Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
