Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
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