So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
