I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Randomize
