He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Randomize
