He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
