She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
