She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Randomize