After last night, I could never be a politician.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
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