Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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