Yo dont text me then not text me
I met the friendliest cop last night
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Randomize
