I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
