If i could tip my vagina, i would.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
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