I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Randomize
