I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize
