What I dont get about To Catch a Predator is who the fuck still uses chat rooms?
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize
