im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
