Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Randomize