I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
