Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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