She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize