If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
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