i used baking grease as lip gloss
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
