filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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