u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
