am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
