I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
