i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
