youre lurking in front of me
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize