Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
