Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
