I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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