I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
well you can't waste a boner
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
