Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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