you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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