wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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