OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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