i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Randomize
