just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Randomize
