he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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