Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
