Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Randomize
