he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
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