Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
