apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
