Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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