Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
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