I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
