i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
