I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
everyone is single if you try hard enough
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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