come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
