So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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