Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I had to cum in my sink.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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