you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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