dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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