the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
