Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Randomize
